With deadlines creeping up and expectations increasing, I stare at my computer as I attempt to offer my limited wisdom and experience through the medium of writing. I am brought to my knees:
May your kingdom come, your will be done. May your dream unfold today and may I participate with you in bringing about that dream on earth as it is in heaven. As I sit in the cover of the massive redwoods that illuminate and hold your glory in and among me, may I rest. May I experience the Shalom of your restoration and may I live that Shalom today. As I serve my hurting friends a warm meal and see their smile, I see your face. As I breath in the crisp mountain air, I embody your renewal. As I listen...........silence..........stillness.......I hear your voice in Creation. Thank you for the reality of your presence.
It can be so obvious, but yet I feel so blind. So far away. I have no inspiration. No motivation. I listen, but am distracted. I am hopeful, but hurting. I am seeing, but not believing.
May my soul come alive and may my fingers tell the story.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Papers, Books and Companions
A deep sigh of relief and accomplishment has taken me over after finishing my first semester of graduate school. Although overshadowed by the pain of losing our first child, it was an incredible time of learning, conversation and growth. It is a ton of work, but I love it. In fact, I have just decided to change my emphasis to Christian Ethics. Still a Master of Arts in Theology, but the ethics emphasis will focus on justice, poverty, creation care and peacemaking. It is an incredible feeling to study and participate in the issues I am most passionate.
Now that my last paper has been submitted until classes start up again in January, I will have time to put into re-reading/editing my manuscript of a book I have been working on for the past couple of years. Yes, I have FINALLY signed the contract and through Youth Specialties, Zondervan will be publish my book! It will actually come out (at least initially) as an ebook, which has all the same elements of a hard copy book(including a cover, art, etc...) but is 100% digital. Should be interesting to see how it all works out, but for now I have a 176 page manuscript to submit by Jan. 1. There goes any holiday downtime:)
Thanks again for all the love and support offered to Janny and I through this whole mess the past couple of months. We would love to forget the pain/grief, but know that it will be part of us forever. Although we still have bad days/hours, we often experience hope and peace.
Shalom Haverim(companions)
Now that my last paper has been submitted until classes start up again in January, I will have time to put into re-reading/editing my manuscript of a book I have been working on for the past couple of years. Yes, I have FINALLY signed the contract and through Youth Specialties, Zondervan will be publish my book! It will actually come out (at least initially) as an ebook, which has all the same elements of a hard copy book(including a cover, art, etc...) but is 100% digital. Should be interesting to see how it all works out, but for now I have a 176 page manuscript to submit by Jan. 1. There goes any holiday downtime:)
Thanks again for all the love and support offered to Janny and I through this whole mess the past couple of months. We would love to forget the pain/grief, but know that it will be part of us forever. Although we still have bad days/hours, we often experience hope and peace.
Shalom Haverim(companions)
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Baby H
Until about 4 weeks ago, I had never really experienced loss. My mom went through breast cancer, but is now stronger than ever. I was too young to really feel the pain of losing 3 of my 4 grandparents. I suppose I should be grateful for that.
You don't think anything is going to go wrong when you are in your 5th month of pregnancy. I was feeling more anxious about the delivery than Janny was, but neither of us were worried about not having the chance to at least meet our baby. By your 5th month, you are told that you are "in the clear" and by then everyone(and their mothers) know that you are pregnant. For some reason, our baby had a different story to tell. We are doing our best not to try to figure out what that story may be or why we are the ones to tell it, but we have experienced bits and pieces of it in the midst of the thick fog of grief.
- Janny and I got to experience the intense love of a parent for 5 incredible months. A love that we still have today and one that wasn't fully realized until the moment we found out that Baby H's heart had stopped beating. It was our child and we will always love it as its parents.
- This whole thing probably could have either driven Janny I apart or woven us closer together. It has done the latter and we are so grateful.
- We have realized more than ever, the love of our friends and family. Sometimes we find ourselves feeling guilty because we don't have the capacity to send out a thank you note or return phone calls, but we know that is not the expectation of those that have reached out to us anyway. Thanks SO much for simply being present with us through this mess. It is knowing that you are with us in the pain that offers the most support.
- We know that this sucks. It hurts. It is confusing. It makes us think we did something wrong. It makes trying again really scary. It makes us aware of how precious life is. Right now, we need to live in that pain to fully experience the grief and move forward to the hope. We aren't there yet, but we know it will come and that little Baby H wouldn't want us to miss a moment of living life in exactly the way God created us to live it
You don't think anything is going to go wrong when you are in your 5th month of pregnancy. I was feeling more anxious about the delivery than Janny was, but neither of us were worried about not having the chance to at least meet our baby. By your 5th month, you are told that you are "in the clear" and by then everyone(and their mothers) know that you are pregnant. For some reason, our baby had a different story to tell. We are doing our best not to try to figure out what that story may be or why we are the ones to tell it, but we have experienced bits and pieces of it in the midst of the thick fog of grief.
- Janny and I got to experience the intense love of a parent for 5 incredible months. A love that we still have today and one that wasn't fully realized until the moment we found out that Baby H's heart had stopped beating. It was our child and we will always love it as its parents.
- This whole thing probably could have either driven Janny I apart or woven us closer together. It has done the latter and we are so grateful.
- We have realized more than ever, the love of our friends and family. Sometimes we find ourselves feeling guilty because we don't have the capacity to send out a thank you note or return phone calls, but we know that is not the expectation of those that have reached out to us anyway. Thanks SO much for simply being present with us through this mess. It is knowing that you are with us in the pain that offers the most support.
- We know that this sucks. It hurts. It is confusing. It makes us think we did something wrong. It makes trying again really scary. It makes us aware of how precious life is. Right now, we need to live in that pain to fully experience the grief and move forward to the hope. We aren't there yet, but we know it will come and that little Baby H wouldn't want us to miss a moment of living life in exactly the way God created us to live it
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Not Quite a Master...But Definitely a Father!
Oh man, it has been a LONG time since I have dabbled in the blogosphere. Not that I haven't wanted to keep this updated (although I honestly haven't had much desire), it is that most every waking hour I now have my nose in one of the books in the picture. It is a ton of work, but SWEET! First time in my life that I have been totally over my head in school work, but loving (almost!) every minute of it.
So, with the confusingly endless support of my wife, I am now working at my Master's full time at Fuller Theological Seminary. Between memorizing Hebrew, reading way more books than I will probably finish and some really good conversations, I am also working as a permanent, part time Adult Education Teacher. It is pretty much the best job I could have dreamed of for this stage of life. Very much engaging with students I am honored to know, while having almost ZERO discipline issues and leaving myself time most every afternoon to study/prepare for my evening and weekend classes at Fuller. More on that later...
What makes my wife's support even more confusingly endless is the fact that we are..........pregnant!! Yep, that is the big news. We have been passing the word slowly(forgive me if this is the first time you have heard this) as Janny just entered her 5th month. In fact, we went for a check up with our midwife last week and got to hear the heartbeat. I'm pretty sure my heartbeat about stopped when I heard that little one ticking along. So excited! We are looking forward to taking it along with us in the wild "life's" ride we have chosen. May not be a wealthy or "normal" life, but it is going to experience all kinds of cultures, ways of life and LOTS of love as we do our best to live out the Kingdom of God. I don't think it knows what it's in for. Of course, neither do we!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Loud Silence
I went away for 24 hours a couple weeks ago with some close friends to spend an extended time in prayer, silence and fasting. Needed to do some listening. Good time. Actually, it was a great time. Something stuck out to me though, as we backpacked a few miles over pretty rough terrain to find a secluded place to camp for the night.
Before we started walking down the trail, we made the commitment to walk in silence in an effort to be fully present and open to simply exist in that time and place. It was awesome, but weird. Don't know if you have ever spent an hour walking within 5 feet of close friends without ever saying a word to each other. Strange. Then my mind kicks in. As I walk, I'm not distracted by stimulating conversation, so I am left with my own thoughts. Good, but distracting in and of themselves.
Instead of soaking in the sounds of the wind, birds and critters that envelop me in this surreal slice of God's Creation, what am I thinking about??! Yep, how freaking hot it is outside and that I should have carried a sheet instead of a huge sleeping back in my backpack. I continue by picturing how great it is going to be when we finally get to our destination, take off our shoes, sit in a lawn chair and have some conversation. It becomes all about "then" and nothing about "now."
Somehow in my mind's frantic dialog, I was able to stumble upon some redeeming insight while still out on the trail. How often do I live for the "ideal" or "dream" of the future and miss out of the dream of today? Does God only speak to me or use me in powerful ways when I finally get "there" or is he fully expecting me to be present and participate now? Man...I feel as though I have had this wrist slapping insight SO many times, but I keep coming back to it. A life lived to the full is not about waiting/preparing for the future. It is about being fully present in the now.
As I wrestled with this on the trail, I began to have the eyes to see the Life of Creation inhaling and exhaling through the wind blowing through the trees. Creation was alive, connected, moving forward and I was standing right in the middle of it, while being invited to be part of the action.
I write this on a Sunday night gearing up for another week teaching History at a continuation High School. Tough kids, with unreal stories. It is easy for me to already be dreaming of Friday afternoon when the bell rings. That is a sin. God, please allow me to soak in and live out your Dream when that bell rings tomorrow morning and every moment that follows.
Before we started walking down the trail, we made the commitment to walk in silence in an effort to be fully present and open to simply exist in that time and place. It was awesome, but weird. Don't know if you have ever spent an hour walking within 5 feet of close friends without ever saying a word to each other. Strange. Then my mind kicks in. As I walk, I'm not distracted by stimulating conversation, so I am left with my own thoughts. Good, but distracting in and of themselves.
Instead of soaking in the sounds of the wind, birds and critters that envelop me in this surreal slice of God's Creation, what am I thinking about??! Yep, how freaking hot it is outside and that I should have carried a sheet instead of a huge sleeping back in my backpack. I continue by picturing how great it is going to be when we finally get to our destination, take off our shoes, sit in a lawn chair and have some conversation. It becomes all about "then" and nothing about "now."
Somehow in my mind's frantic dialog, I was able to stumble upon some redeeming insight while still out on the trail. How often do I live for the "ideal" or "dream" of the future and miss out of the dream of today? Does God only speak to me or use me in powerful ways when I finally get "there" or is he fully expecting me to be present and participate now? Man...I feel as though I have had this wrist slapping insight SO many times, but I keep coming back to it. A life lived to the full is not about waiting/preparing for the future. It is about being fully present in the now.
As I wrestled with this on the trail, I began to have the eyes to see the Life of Creation inhaling and exhaling through the wind blowing through the trees. Creation was alive, connected, moving forward and I was standing right in the middle of it, while being invited to be part of the action.
I write this on a Sunday night gearing up for another week teaching History at a continuation High School. Tough kids, with unreal stories. It is easy for me to already be dreaming of Friday afternoon when the bell rings. That is a sin. God, please allow me to soak in and live out your Dream when that bell rings tomorrow morning and every moment that follows.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Which Dream??
Janny and I getting awful "NASCAR" for the night up at Mt. Hermon
About a year ago Janny and I had some unsettling stuff going on in our souls. Hard to discern, but strong enough to know we needed to do some good 'ol fashion soul searchin'. Did I just use two slang apostrophe's in that sentence? Odd. Anywho, I am pretty sure the unsettlin' stuff was God's Dream knocking on our soul's imagination.
Now, we have not mastered living out God's Dream by any stretch of the imagination, but it seems that every time we do take some strides in that direction it doesn't look anything like the American Dream.
God's Dream is REALLY hard to explain. It doesn't seem to fit inside the 2 sentence allotment given at the beginning of a conversation. For example, my life in two sentences: "Married, with dog and living in a one bedroom house in Santa Cruz and not going to a church. Recently turned down full time employment, with benefits, to substitute teach, finish writing a book and go to a (REALLY) expensive grad school to study theology(VERY practical)." Not too "Dreamy" maybe? Even embarrassing to say at times??
If given a few more sentences I would say: "Janny and I have never felt more connected to each other, God and those around us than we have since we started listening/living towards God's Dream He has put on our souls. For us, living out that Dream hasn't allowed us to live the "practical/secure" lives that are so tempting, but has FREED us to live out the practical/secure vision of Jesus in our lives. We love sharing our home and conversation with close friends/neighbors, we were super blessed to have experienced life with our friends at Mt. Hermon this summer and we are completely open to participating in the Kingdom of God whatever that may look like. For now that involves teaching high school history for a few months before starting my Master's in Theology full time at Fuller Seminary, while considering initiating the gathering of the church on our patio for a meal, conversation and shared commitment. These are the things that make our heart beat really fast and in pursuing that, the bills have been paid. Apparently God takes care of His children, so it has been sweet since I stopped worrying so much about that. It's super scary, but super fun."
I am hoping this is a slice of God's Dream being played out in our lives...it sure feels like it is!!
Friday, August 7, 2009
Living out the unexpected
I wasn't really interested in taking a job at Mount Hermon. Jan and I had just stepped away from institutional Christianity after leaving our Youth Pastor post and were fully enjoying living out the church in the everyday. A freedom and connection we have never experienced as a couple or in our connection with God. We were very grateful for our past experiences/relationships that were formed from our past church contexts, but quite content with living out a new reality. After a couple emails from respected friends who thought the Staff Pastor position at Mount Hermon would be a good fit, I dragged myself (more or less to appease my friends and my curiosity) into an interview that changed everything.
It was MUCH more a conversation than an interview, between myself and would-be boss Danny Wallen. After a couple hours of mutual sharing, there was very little doubt that I would be spending my summer in this role. With the role revolving around teaching and shepherding of the summer staff, I couldn't have imagined a better fit. Little did I know that the highlight would soon become the lifelong relationships that Janny and I have been able to establish.
We have been blown away by the transparency and shared stages of life that we have encountered. I can honestly say that it was one of the last places I would expect to come into connection with so many Jesus followers who were/are asking hard questions about what it looks like to live out the church. As is often the case, Janny and I feel as though the mutual sharing of our stories, between us as the rest of the staff, has done more "ministering" to us than we have "ministered" to them.
It is now coming to the end of summer and the farewells are bearing down on us, but it is with more anticipation at what God is doing than in reflection of what He has done. We are sad and excited to see one of our closest couple friends, Jesse and Katie Rice(check out his new book! http://www.amazon.com/Church-Facebook-Generation-Redefining-Community/dp/1434765342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1249685122&sr=8-1) move up to Portland, but their VERY similar story to ours has been incredible to share in this summer.
I have alot more to write (mainly because I am so bad at updating this thing), but I will stop for now and put in some pics from the past few weeks of Huckins' festivity!
Our Family in Capitola
My Good Buddy Allen and I Conquered the Mighty Wharf to Wharf
Some of the Mount Hermon Staff at our Dirty Convicts game on the Boardwalk
It was MUCH more a conversation than an interview, between myself and would-be boss Danny Wallen. After a couple hours of mutual sharing, there was very little doubt that I would be spending my summer in this role. With the role revolving around teaching and shepherding of the summer staff, I couldn't have imagined a better fit. Little did I know that the highlight would soon become the lifelong relationships that Janny and I have been able to establish.
We have been blown away by the transparency and shared stages of life that we have encountered. I can honestly say that it was one of the last places I would expect to come into connection with so many Jesus followers who were/are asking hard questions about what it looks like to live out the church. As is often the case, Janny and I feel as though the mutual sharing of our stories, between us as the rest of the staff, has done more "ministering" to us than we have "ministered" to them.
It is now coming to the end of summer and the farewells are bearing down on us, but it is with more anticipation at what God is doing than in reflection of what He has done. We are sad and excited to see one of our closest couple friends, Jesse and Katie Rice(check out his new book! http://www.amazon.com/Church-Facebook-Generation-Redefining-Community/dp/1434765342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1249685122&sr=8-1) move up to Portland, but their VERY similar story to ours has been incredible to share in this summer.
I have alot more to write (mainly because I am so bad at updating this thing), but I will stop for now and put in some pics from the past few weeks of Huckins' festivity!
Our Family in Capitola
My Good Buddy Allen and I Conquered the Mighty Wharf to Wharf
Some of the Mount Hermon Staff at our Dirty Convicts game on the Boardwalk
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