Until about 4 weeks ago, I had never really experienced loss. My mom went through breast cancer, but is now stronger than ever. I was too young to really feel the pain of losing 3 of my 4 grandparents. I suppose I should be grateful for that.
You don't think anything is going to go wrong when you are in your 5th month of pregnancy. I was feeling more anxious about the delivery than Janny was, but neither of us were worried about not having the chance to at least meet our baby. By your 5th month, you are told that you are "in the clear" and by then everyone(and their mothers) know that you are pregnant. For some reason, our baby had a different story to tell. We are doing our best not to try to figure out what that story may be or why we are the ones to tell it, but we have experienced bits and pieces of it in the midst of the thick fog of grief.
- Janny and I got to experience the intense love of a parent for 5 incredible months. A love that we still have today and one that wasn't fully realized until the moment we found out that Baby H's heart had stopped beating. It was our child and we will always love it as its parents.
- This whole thing probably could have either driven Janny I apart or woven us closer together. It has done the latter and we are so grateful.
- We have realized more than ever, the love of our friends and family. Sometimes we find ourselves feeling guilty because we don't have the capacity to send out a thank you note or return phone calls, but we know that is not the expectation of those that have reached out to us anyway. Thanks SO much for simply being present with us through this mess. It is knowing that you are with us in the pain that offers the most support.
- We know that this sucks. It hurts. It is confusing. It makes us think we did something wrong. It makes trying again really scary. It makes us aware of how precious life is. Right now, we need to live in that pain to fully experience the grief and move forward to the hope. We aren't there yet, but we know it will come and that little Baby H wouldn't want us to miss a moment of living life in exactly the way God created us to live it
